Apple in a bunch of oranges

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WHAT COULD BE WORSE THAN TRYING SO HARD TO BE THE BEST BUT STILL, IT IS NOT ENOUGH? - Just when you are equipped with weapons for success, the time won't cooperate. DILEMMA Part II

As she turns off her monitor, she knows she’ll be in her mindless thoughts again. She’s been like this since she realized she has a mind of her own, dealing and owning her dilemmas. She sometimes wonder why she have to keep all these things to herself when she has a loving dad who is always on-the-go for advices, an understanding boyfriend who, despite the fact that he’s got more problems to solve, always willing to listen to her over the phone and a best friend who most of the time, she ends up laughing with than making drama boo-boos.

But rather than humiliate herself to people who doesn’t know anything she’s going through, she just have to comfort herself at a time like this.

Upon swallowing her first bite of her lunch, she thought how weird it is to stay in a house with four men. Her mom is the breadwinner of their family since they were little kids yet it made her thankful that she had grown lovelier than the other daughters in the neighborhood where she came from, as raised most of the time, by her dad. In short, she graduated with flying colors in an exclusive school for girls with a degree in Communication, got a decent job in a small advertising agency, good enough to start an experience or a career - without getting pregnant.

All of the girl stuff she had learned by herself, part of it she got from friends, classmates and other people that influence her. She had been more thankful if she has a sister. She had, but they never knew each other because at 1 and 3, they still have no concept of 'sibling' or 'sister.' Playmate would be much recognized. She didn’t even understand how important it is to have siblings stick around with you during those times you need back-ups for your troubles because there’s no way you can put up a fight with your bully playmate without their help.

After what could be like eating for life, she stopped and chewed carefully. Realizing how she grew tired of eating meals these days, how tired her body was, how she adapt with either super cold or super hot weather in their office – she never ever thought that eating will now be a choice and not a necessity – nowadays – just for her.

She is up to her last two spoonfuls of rice and chicken when she decided not to eat them all.  The picture of her mom and dad flashed, rushing every morning to cook and prepare breakfast and lunch respectively – she then felt a cringe of guilt in her stomach. But her mouth is now complaining. She put her lunch box to her bag. 

As she recalls all this day’s happenings, she remembered waking up okay. Yes, her stomach ached after breakfast but it never occurred to her that bad day awaits her just because of her stupid, sensitive stomach that she hates most of the time. She left the house feeling good although her choice of clothes today is a bit uncomfortable. 

She rode on a bus and for the first time she experienced her ticket being checked twice by two inspectors that came almost the same time. She’s bored, thanks to a book. Her travel to work takes an hour and a half of her time giving her backaches and dead-like body because of the centralized aircon.

Okay, the bad day starts now. First, she was shocked, so shocked she can’t get enough focus on her way to her office because of how big she paid for her cellphone bills at a time when she needs to tighten her belt because she’ll be watching Harry Potter this weekend with her friend slash officemate. And next week she has to buy something for her boyfriend, a surprise indeed.

When she arrived at her office, she read some chapters of The Last Song and decided to practice conversing for her client later. This is her first ever client. She’s been handling existing clients since she started her training almost two months ago. She’s pretty sure she’ll knock her client off because she was prepared. But destiny cheated on her.

Upon reaching JRU, a bigger campus compared to her Alma Mater, office of the president – the room Mr. Brian gave her, she started feeling uneasy. Mr. Brian is not the president of JRU nor she’ll meet the president but rather, Mr. Brian, the Marketing and Communications Director, is in charge of the institution's advertising needs. His office was located near the OP. It took a while before the presentation started…and IT WAS A MESS...

It’s not so bad yet she regretted not doing her best she can. She actually did her best, delivered her words with outmost passion, everything she planned to say. But she’s nervous to death. Her boss did almost all the talking. What a savior, yet kinda offensive on her part.

The good thing is her boss supplied everything the client wanted and needed from them. The bad thing though is all her rehearsals were put into waste. Blah, blah, blah – she heard them saying.

All the while she’d been shut dead on her seat. She just tried to note every detail. Blah, blah, blah – they continued.

If it wasn’t for the feeling she’s weighing on her world for the past few days, she wouldn’t try so hard for this. She just feels competitive, not to top but to survive, at least. She never dreamt of being the number one since she undergo college but neither had she liked the idea of being left behind.

It was not so easy to fight the growing surge of envy to her super close friend. It didn’t seem to be a big deal before nor she didn’t even thought about it until her dad told her not to be envious if her friend had closed a million account while she, well, had a 10k account, from an old client.

It was so quick that she became so furious about getting new clients, giving a wow presentation. But her first ever client didn’t even look at her while she presented.

How bad for her was that? She’s been the sort of girl who kills herself by thinking about the awful things she’d been through, to a point where she blames herself for being so stupid, why she was not born so smart and why she didn’t learn everything by heart.

For a while, she’ll forget about it. But most of the time, she would wish she has someone to whom she can talk about all her embarrassment and insecurities, without receiving a judging and pitiful look. Sometimes, she decides to best talk with God about it but she’ll end up blaming God for creating her like that – sort of a hollow-headed girl who looks smart but really a no-brainer.

In events like this, all her failures come back to her: She could not have let her friends copy her answers to their homeworks in high school, she could have been so passionate about playing the piano and performing in choir in their parish, she could have been so good in school to be able to go to U.P./U.S.T. although she ended up in a rather one of the top colleges, but her dad still wanted her to be on one of those 2 famous universities.

There are so many things she regretted having or doing like being in a relationship when she thought she was in love. It just happened once but she feels sorry about it – not in a way she feels sad but it was one of those moments she wanted to rewind and undo everything. She also didn’t like it much how she looks: Lollipop legs, short, grade-school looking, slim girl. Although she had suitors in the past, she still doesn’t feel quite beautiful enough to be appreciated.

Upon finishing her lunch, she wishes the day ends very quick. It was only afternoon. She still has 5 more hours to face. She’d been avoiding looking at her cellphone knowing that her boyfriend is worrying. She doesn’t feel like talking to anyone right now. She doesn’t like the idea of being happy for him for being accepted in his first job while she was in agony. Or if she can do a little bit of acting, she can pass it. But she definitely doesn’t need anyone to explain or tell her stories with. She’d rather shut herself up.